To Be a Black Girl Like Me

To be a black girl like me, 

Is to be free.

Sprinkling that shine, that strut and glitter…

Swaying my body when I walk, showing all my fronts when I talk…

To be a black girl like me,

Is to have that black girl magic I share with everyone! 

To have no hesitation of pride in my presentation…

To be a black girl like me,

Is to be proud of how my ancestors mash’up to create me, so how dare I look in the mirror and say I hate me? 

Through a slave trade I’m sure either great love or terrible pain was endured to create one that would later bare another to create my mothers, mother. 

A white man we can call Tom joined with a Native American woman named Mariah, to create a mothers mother that would bare my father. 

To be a black girl like me, 

A mixture of features that I myself barely understand… with this coily hair the color of sand. 

These ears and a nose fit for a King, for which children used to utter mean things. The thing that most ties me to my father… to hate myself for that? Life’s already too hard, why bother.

To be a black girl like me,

Is to have skin pale in the winter, then the summer it’s painted a red so deep you’d think I was the sinner of the week. 

Blemish free, soft like a worn out cotton tee. 

Why on earth would I hate me…?

To be a black girl like me,

Is to have a Face outlined in natural blonde hairs, with eyebrows that used to be scarce…

At 26 I hold full brown eyes betwixt my ears, my shape like my eyes I gathered from my mother. 

You’d think I wanted to be her…as I flip through pictures of myself I always see her.

To be a black girl like me,

Means sass, class and bravery for to be a black girl can be difficult. See we aren’t all bonded together like a religious cult. 

For our history has separated us, from house niggers to field niggers, to being relocated to the back of the bus, now presently theirs no common sisterhood no trust…

Who understands me better than her? The girl with skin like mine and hair that reaches toward the sun as mine does. The girl I don’t have to inform what it is or what it was…

No one, that’s who. Trying to replace her with Becky is no equal… constantly explaining to her what she can and can’t do. Why I’m not her nigga and why I won’t partake in a customary “Biiiihhh guess what”, simply because Becky you’re not Brenda like what the fuck! 

To be a black girl like me,

Is the only way to be… and that includes loving my fellow sista unconditionally. 

Because even though she may stare and glare, that’s customary “girl I love you!!” Is deep down in there. 

A Majestic Night in.

It was a normal morning, nothing out of the ordinary. I woke up a few moments before my hotel wake up call, I began to prepare for a day of running and flying. I was in a chipper mood per usual as I made up my face, in the background sang sounds of Hip Hop music. I needed the uptempo to keep my already high spirits up.

Today I chose my uniform pants and sweater set, in the aviation world the uniform choices are few and rarely flattering. Within 45 minutes I was out the door and on my way to a late van time of 11:45a. As I approached the van my captain wished me a good morning and let me know, “Today could potentially be a rough one for the cabin crew…”. This aircraft required two flight attendants, I looked to my aft, smiled at the crew and replied, “Alex and Myself can handle whatever gets handed to us, only we could make our day bad.” We all tipped the driver and we all fell in.

On the ten minute ride to the airport I curated a list of songs to keep me upbeat and steady. All songs preformed by Drake, songs like One Dance, signs and Controlla. We were late starting before we even woke up due to weather the previous day so we had two dead heads into what would be our two working flights. We dashed through the Charlotte airport to our gate to find our second deadhead for the day was delayed. As my crew chatted about relationships and the hardships of dating and finding love as a crew member I danced.

Tuning them out I flowed into a dancing trance of small but noticeable steps. There were a few onlookers and I didn’t mind the smiles and attempts by passing passengers to dance alongside me. I continued this way until it was time to board, even then I shifted my body to the beat all the way to my seat. The flight was under an hour which was more than enough time to rest up for my work flight after.

We remained on the aircraft landing in Norfolk as we were the crew flying into ORD after everyone deplaned. Alex and I had a few minutes to do our safety checks and like clockwork our passengers were at the Main Cabin door. I greeted the incoming passengers  and prepared pre-departure drinks for first class. Trying to multi task and give everyone eye contact I looked away to pour the drinks and back towards the door. I looked down to see a young boy about 10 come in the aircraft, he was handsome and polite. I said hello and he responded, as he passed and I lifted my head I saw what I assumed to be his father.

This man was a little over six feet with an athletic build, as my eyesight combed over his body I was mesmerized. Slow at first until I got a glimpse of his thick, black beard. If I could stop there he was already perfect anything else was just a bonus. So I kept upward to find he had full lips, a good mix between caramel and milk chocolate skin and beautiful eyes. Before I could speak I looked away, I was embarrassed and hadn’t done much but my job. He said hello and passed by, as soon as his body passed me completely I looked in his direction and a bit left to see if there was a woman in front of him since another family followed behind. There was.

Did he know her? Were they traveling together? Is this his son? Is he married? My heart sank as I said hello to the others and finished up my duties before taxing out.

Alex and I sat down for take off, from my jumpseat I could see her pointing at a passenger but why? I lifted my phone in an attempt to ask if she wanted me to call her, she shook her head no. We took off and were released from our seats, assuming the passenger was traveling with the woman who lead in boarding I took him off my radar. Alex emerged in the galley and I asked was everything ok, “Yes! But did you see that guy in 23 B.” I laughed and told her I wasn’t paying attention what did he look like, Alex described him and before she could finish I asked,”does he have a young boy with him?” “OMG, Yes! I wonder if he dates white women…”

Now I realized Alex was planing to make a move. I told her he may be traveling with someone and we should probably check first, as I made my rounds to talk to the children I looked for a ring. As I approached the back of the aircraft to talk to the young boy I noticed the guy was asleep. I peered over and glanced at his hands to see he wasn’t wearing one. The woman I assumed was traveling with him was rows ahead and they didn’t communicate.

Alex and I worked our 2 hour flight and prepared for landing. Alex came to me with her trash and said, “Girl give him your number. Like now…” laughing embarrassingly I wasn’t sure if I had the courage nor confidence to do such a thing. I mean is this his child? Am I prepared to date a man with children? What if he’s a dud and just looks good? I am a worrisome person by nature and so many questions filled my brain until Alex grabbed my arm and said, “just do it, what’s the worst that could happen?”

So I wrote a little note that read;

I think you’re handsome, you slept the whole flight and I couldn’t say much. If you’re single call me…

I took the note into my pocket and cleaned up first class in preparation for landing. As I retired to my jumpseat my insides began to flutter, am I really doing this? I could just toss it and forget about it… I mean it’s not like we had a moment or anything super special.

*High Pitched Chimes*

Pilot: This is your captain speaking, it looks like someone is occupying our gate. We will be sitting for about ten minutes for our gate to open. Feel free to use your mobile phones as we wait to taxi into our gate. Welcome to ORD.

I have to pee, Now! My bladder filled and I knew I wouldn’t be smooth enough to pass him my number if I was wiggling like a worm in my shoes. I motioned to Alex and we switched positions, once I came out the lav Alex motioned for me to stay in her jumpseat since we would be moving soon. I obliged and to my surprise Mister 23 was awake and multitasking on his phones. As I glanced over and saw he had two phones I asked myself, “Do you want to deal with someone who is so important he needs two phones?” I brushed the hesitation aside and struck up conversation between him and the young boy and a few other passengers. I was relaxed and something told me to ask if they were traveling with someone else. “No its just me and my little man…” Dammit that is his son, well we are here now just do it, I thought as I geared up to respond. Before I could he said, ” I’m just trying to get him home to his parents in California.”

The angels sang and inside I rejoiced, he may have children at home but now I know this one isn’t one. Now was my time as the ten minutes quickly became one, I reached into my pocket and grabbed the paper. “Well I was going to give you this when you deplaned but I’m here now.” Smiling very small he replied, “Aw yea, thanks.” We talked a little more about my next flight to Toronto and he said goodbye. I didn’t know what to expect I was just proud of myself, I did it. If he called or not I felt good in knowing I didn’t back out and I went for what I wanted. I shared the news with Alex as we went to get food, she was excited but changed the subject swiftly.

Within an hour of meeting him he texted me;

Hey Lauren

Lamar from the Norfolk flight.

You could have woke me up too. Just a FYI.

Safe travels and I’ll talk to you soon.

I blushed, I was excited as I read his short but hopeful message in the galley and so was Alex. At this time we were in flight and I had service to do so I used my time wisely and thought of a response.

Waking you up would’ve been too risky for me. I’m taking off now, ill talk to you later.

Later that day he and I texted for a bit before he called. The communication was easy a delightful, he made me feel relaxed like I could share anything with him, we laughed cracked jokes and shared encouraging words with one another. I was shocked with how gentlemanly he was, how caring he was to family and the children he worked with. Not because of him but because of my past. Men at this point had been horribly predictable, although he was different it took a while to let my guard down fully.

Over the course of about three months we spoke regularly via FaceTime and phone calls/text, we visited each other frequently. We both made the necessary sacrifices to see one another at least two times a month. In person he was even more pleasant and time spent with him was fulfilling. I always left him on a high, and he helped maintain the good feelings while I was away. The better he made me feel the more I tried to return the favor. With time I wanted to be and give so much to him like he had done for me.

So much so that this coming visit I wanted to prepare myself and give him something I deemed special… me.

I purchased all new lingerie and underwear for this trip. I got my entire body waxed from chin down and I did a yoni and body detox. Many of my methods of preparation my friends said were a bit much but I didn’t want anything to go wrong on my end. I wanted to be good to him, Lamar gave me a safe place that no one had prior and I always wanted to come correct with him. He was older and I’m sure he had his share of women.

I packed for this three-day trip eager and nervous, like usual Lamar wouldn’t let me worry too much about anything he always took the lead and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I arrived in Norfolk and he was there to pick me up, as soon as I spotted him I grinned from ear to ear and ran to him to hug him. He wasn’t one for PDA so a quick tight hug was enough for the moment. He grabbed my things and gave me some flowers right after opening the door. We got settled in his house after he ran a few last-minute errands. The entire time we were in the car talking and joking I wanted to kiss him, to hold his hand, to sit in his lap. Periodically I settled on gently resting my hand on his thigh while he drove. The anticipation heightened my desire to let him conquer me.

Like most women before becoming ¬†intimate with a new lover I daydreamed about us, Lamar’s personality fluidly showcased in his love-making. A combination of both animalistic alpha male aggression and a gentle tenderness that would make any woman blush. I also considered my performance would I recluse into a shell, or would I release my inner sex kitten who had never been experienced before?

The time came when he and I rested on the couch, finally. Like clockwork we attacked each other with kisses and hugs. By this time Lamar was conditioned to not getting any so when things got too heavy he calmed down and pulled back. Tapping me on my bum and saying, “That’s enough, relax.” I looked up at him and said, “I’ve been on edge and Today’s not a day I feel like relaxing…. unless.” “Unless what..?”

I smiled because I could see disbelief and happiness in his face. “Unless you could help me get relaxed….” I said as I unbuttoned my top. “…you sure…?” “Un huh”

I climbed on top of him cradling his face and kissing him. He smacked my bum and it sent a surge through my body. I smiled and giggled, nibbling on his lip he lifted me off of him and put me on the couch. Like a child he undressed me, as he released each button, snap and zipper he didn’t kiss me like some would he simply took the image of me in. He built up a fixation and it turned me on more. From my top to my skirt and then my shoes, he undressed me. When he was finished I was left in my panties, bra and thigh highs. He lifted his body and kneeled over me, with one swift movement he was out of his shirt exposing a physique so perfect a puddle formed in my panties. As I rubbed the tip of my fingers across his abs I thought to myself, “All of this… all this for me!” Like one would at the arrival of their surprise party. Towering over me I looked up to his face, the light behind him casting a glare my familiarity with him filled in all the spots not shown.

He leaned down to me grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me. I placed my hand on his cheek and grabbed his free hand with the other. Guiding him inside me I couldn’t take the anticipation, I wanted him to feel the sweet of me. I wanted him to gather my warmth, wetness and desire. Soon he would get acquainted with the home created for him inside of me. He gently laughed as he felt me, taking his fingers across my inner lips, his fingers slid. As he massaged my yoni I slid my hand down his chest to his manhood. Only to be shook… Lamar was heavy, my gaze turned into a tense glare. He always wore athletic wear since the day I met him. So like every other day he was out fitted in control/compression sport leggings and basketball shorts. With the leggings holding all of him in place all I could feel was a bulge, however it wasn’t “normal”. If you placed a thick sausage inside a shoe duster bag and held the tie string high and watched the sausage lay into the bag, that would be close to what I saw… the typical print silhouette. However when I say heavy imagine a new tube sock full of rice and warmed in the microwave. He was that heavy yet inviting, I had been so afraid up to this point that his size wouldn’t satisfy. I figured something had to be wrong with him, he treated me all too well.

The tv still going in the background Lamar lifted me gently and rested my head on the conchs arm rest. Down my body he explored his uncharted territory, his hands firmly gripping my body, my breast my waist. Until he reached my yoni, he uncovered her gently removing my panties. As he reached my knees he said one word,”Sure?” I lifted my right leg out of my panties and placed it on his shoulder. As I began shifting my hands down towards my yoni he pushed them away and said, “Relax”.

Lamar grabbed my calf gently slid his hand to my ankle and pushed my leg out further. As he opened my legs you could hear my lips separate, I was ready for anything he had in mind.

Lamar took his head to my yoni kissed my stomach and inner thigh, he then kissed my yoni almost in a nudging motion. Three times he did this before taking his tongue and licking me as if to wipe me clean. Due to my recent wax visit I could feel everything, his prickly hairs from his beard, his full lips and his tongue. My goodness could I feel his warm, strong tongue. From what felt like wipes of his tongue to a twirling sucking motion, everything about it was majestic. I looked down to see a profile view of my man at work. His tongue fully erect, his mouth open wide and his eyes closed it looked as if he enjoyed me which in turn made my body moisten more.

Tears filled my eyes and no matter how good it felt to be enjoyed by him I had to focus. Avoiding a climax I used his compression leggings to my benefit. Understanding majority of his blood was flowing to his member and that the compression pants added Much pressure I gently stroked him with the lower part of my leg. His eyes shot open and he smiled, quickly he began to gorge on my sweetness. I stopped teasing him as my body stiffened, my hands and head sank into the couch my upper body now erect, my lower body was in his hands. He wouldn’t let me run away, the tears that filled my eyes soon fell and all I could do was whimper.

He came up to my face and I kissed him eagerly, grabbing my hands he placed them on my yoni, with his hands only he coached me on how he wanted me to feel myself. After I caught his rhythm he stepped onto the floor and took off his bottoms. As he rose up and I saw his shaft I instantly grabbed at it, he stepped back and told me, “No, I didn’t tell you to stop did I?” “but…” He looked at me as he was known to do when my antics had become too much. “Ok babe.” Was all I could say as I practiced what he had taught me a few moments before. He sat down and motioned for me to come to him, I obliged him.

I stood in front of him covering myself, my body feeling weak and my mind scattered. “Drop your hands…” I let out an embarrassed giggle, although I wanted this although this wasn’t my first time I enjoyed the role he took on, he was more demanding now than he had been in our relationship. Although he’s always been in control, and it drove me nuts. I dropped my hands at my sides and he looked at me for a few seconds and said, “you look beautiful now come here…” I walked a half a step to him and he picked me up like a rag doll he lifted me, placing me on his shaft as I opened my legs. As we kissed I felt his veins, his warmth and the tenderness in his grip. I was in heaven, I slid my yoni on him twice before he demanded I put it in. With his voice he controlled me, not his words. His tone was smooth, never heightened or excessively aggressive. It was almost like his tone spoke to my body… making all of me want to obey.

As I slid down his shaft my body shook, my mind emptied and I tried to relax. Lamar watched my face as I looked away embarrassed, when his size proved to be too much he intervened. Pulling me in close a kissing my neck I was puddling in his lap. The contrast of his beard on my skin weakened me.

Lamar with swift short strokes entered into me fully, although his manhood was a bit much to bare I whispered to him, “daddy fuck me…. please.” I knew what followed would be painful but he made me want it, just by being him I was willing to take any and all pain my body could bare. Holding me tighter my king filled me with so much passion, frustration and rigor. When he grew tired I stepped in to assist, riding him slowly and deep. He tilted his head back rested his body and let me have my way with him. “You got it babe…” he said gently. For a few moments I was sensual in my approach and then I added speed to my tempo, he gripped my body, his scrotum tighten and he swore low but frequently in my ear. I knew the time would soon come where he’d need to release and I had the perfect place.

He gave my bum one good smack I bit his lip and removed him from me, I lowered myself onto my knees to see his member face to face. I took the fullness of his scrotum into my mouth as I stroked his shaft quickly. For a few short minutes I was dazed, Humming as I licked, sucked and gargle he swore again, I smiled took his tip into my mouth and sucked the warm, sweet, milk like gold from him like my favorite milkshake.

It was more than I needed and everything I hoped for. I was indeed, relaxed.

Touch me

Touch me… 
Grab my booty, I whisper as we posed to take pictures.

He could feel my smile on his cheek, the very thought of him always made me weak. 
Every time we lay, we climb the highest of mountains to help the other reach their peak.

Last time, grabbing me from behind he took me. 

The firm aggression and soft hands, it shook me.
Inside me he swam, a good girl I rarely am…

But tonight was the night he’d make me do right…
Inside me he dug, his feet firmly planted in the rug…

His toes curled my eyes swirled… to the furthest of my temple. Never, not one time have I challenged why he occupied my mental.
With us It’s less than complex, touch me… and see what happens next. I love him, for more than the sex… we were created together… like a set. 

Letters to Love

All my life I’ve searched for you…

Like one searches for their favorite shirt or shoe, you know the usual places first. Like the closet, then a bit further from where many stow their garments, I tried under the bed. For a little while all I could do was scratch my head. Then in the dirty clothes, I figured maybe you’d been used a bit but just enough for a perfect fit,

Then I searched the unusual spots, the unfamiliar and the scary, Like the basement where the contents vary. I searched and searched only to find you were never mine. Just something I saw in passing, something others used to pass the time. Searching for you just to realize I was only day dreaming. 

It seemed to me you’d definitely be in the usual places, like family. You know how you show up in a mothers tone, when she shares that she loves you even if you did do wrong? But you weren’t there see, you had gotten away from me. Maybe when I was young, maybe before my song had even begun. You mustve skipped over me… but I didn’t give up, my naivety misleading me. I thought if I went a bit further a bit more unfamiliar you’d be there. 

Like when a man meets a woman and with an instant he knows, that’s the woman he should give his care. However you didn’t make an appearance, all these men and you never made an interference. Thinking they were my last hope, I let them hurt me I was pain addicted. Like an addict I said, “if I want to I could quit it…” I lied like a dope fiene is known to do. Cos all this time I had hope in you. I stayed and I stayed and you didn’t bloom. Every relationship I entered I was in a constant state of gloom. In my heart I made a space for you, blindly I made room. Believing and hoping my time was near, but you never made it to me. Maybe your Uber got stuck on the highway, you know speeding going my way? It’s clear to everyone else I needed you, but I’m obviously the last thing on your list of things to do. Even with this…

My search still continues, now I look for you in the liquor menus. Maybe you’re in the Brandy, or maybe the tequila? If I sip this quick I can possibly see ya… like a high the thought of you lifts me. In the morning I’ll remember, just like with every coming September… that I’ve lived so long without you. Now I start to doubt you. 

You’re so familiar to so many, family, friends and  lovers they’ve had plenty. They’ve had so so many that when I come to them in search of you, they tell me “love shouldn’t be a virtue to you…” “Just let it happen, because with love you can’t be captain…” do they not know I’ve waited for you… pushed aside, Mishandled and debated for you. Yeah you’ve left me jaded it’s true but here I go again, pleading and contemplating with you. 

Why don’t you just show up love? 

For me…

So I could raise a family of three… what did I do so bad that I don’t deserve to be loved by you?

Did I not properly prepare your pedestal?